Back in January with my father dying and my mother’s health what it is I walked into church and was handed a star word, a word to guide my life for the next year. My word was cheer. As the world as I knew it was falling apart around me and I was about to enter a new world I was unprepared for I was asked to do so with cheer.
I took the word and I thought about it. I knew things were going to be tough. That was clear from the day I learned my father’s trip to the hospital was for brain cancer. I looked at the word cheer emblazon on the yellow star and committed myself to face the coming hardship with cheer.
I haven’t been completely successful. Those first few weeks were extra rough. Grief is a strange emotion. We all know about the stages of grief but it is my belief that they come in waves and we never talk about the guilt of grief. For the last couple weeks of my father’s life I was already grieving and with that came guilt and doubt. On one of his last days I brought fried chicken to his house. He was already to the point where he would never wake again, but when I placed a piece of the fried chicken on his countertop to close the box I looked behind me. I felt him coming up the stairs and knew he wouldn’t be happy that I had put food directly on the countertop. He hated that.
As the year as gone on and family dynamics have shifted cheer has become both easier and more difficult. The entire process of wrapping up a life is not easy, nor is transitioning into a new one. I find myself leaning on family and friends and activities that have always brought me comfort. At times I feel I have lost my mind. Not in the way we typically think. I simply feel incredibly stupid. Like I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag.
That’s one reason I am here. Writing activates my brain. It fires neurons that have gone dormmate, and the other reason is in the title. Gratitude. I am thankful, cheerful even, that I woke this day. The sun has reason in the sky, the grass is in the field, my wife and children lie comfortable in their beds. I have so much to be grateful for that I forget it at times. Focus on the negative and a reminded to face the day with cheer, even in times that are tough is necessary.
David Huzzard Writes 