The present can be slow. Have you ever had an experience that feels like it is taking forever and then in your memory of it it is a flash of time? The present is our slowest experience of time. The future is distant and at times can’t get here fast enough and the past is a blip in memory, but the present is the slow grind of daily living.
There are times when we feel like we are slogging through day after day after day, and one of the worst parts of being an adult is depending on other people. I understand now why my father never wanted to deal with lawyers. Lawyers exist purely on their own timeline, and have no issue leaving you in the dark for days on end.
That’s the part I don’t like. The waiting. Wondering when and if I will hear back from someone working on something very important for the future security of the family. The present isn’t so bad. There is security and it gives us a timeline, but my father didn’t leave things in order. His distrust and dislike of lawyers led us in a bad direction and his dementia catapulted us to an even worse place.
All I can do is stand still when I want to sprint forward. I want to start solving the puzzle of the family finances and getting everything set up to secure the security of future generations, but I am stuck. Depending on other people. All while feeling lost in a hurricane.
What does this have to do with gratitude? Is this a gratitude or a grief journal? I am unsure of any answers right now. I made a move yesterday that feels like one I wouldn’t have made. It feels like a move my father would have made. Like he reached into me, possessed my body and took me in a direction I both wanted and didn’t want to go.
With the lease coming up on our perfectly reliable and serviceably family van I decided to stop into a Lexus dealership to see if they had anything that would work. Suffice it to say we now have two new Lexus automobiles and no longer have the Honda or Toyota. Neither car was close to paid off and the value difference between a new Honda Odyssey and Lexus TX and Toyota Camry and Lexus ES 300h is minimal.
I’ve done a lot of things in the last couple days to save money, and here I am making a move that felt like the opposite, and mostly for a car as status symbol move. A status that isn’t mine, but my father’s. The simple term is buyer’s remorse. A feeling I hope fades with time as the negative space of the present gives way to the brightness of the future.
David Huzzard Writes 