Jesus and George Washington Discuss America

GW: What’s wrong J?

JC: They’re not listening to me.

GW: Who’s not, and what does it matter?

JC: Your people, George. The Americans. Look at them. Running around infecting each other with a virus, and when all they’re asked to do is wear a face covering to prevent the spread they refuse. I asked them to do one thing. Love your neighbor. I even told them your neighbor is the one that shows mercy, and guess what, George. Nobody wants to be a neighbor.

GW: That’s terrible, but look they’re using the Constitution as an excuse. I mentioned this to J-Mad and he’s reread the thing and half his writings as Publius trying to discover what rights they’re talking about and just what exactly they think freedom is. From what we can tell they think freedom is running around like a headless chicken doing whatever they damn well please.

JC: I feel for you but listen here. A few of them are invoking my name and saying you guys gave them the right to go to church. I told them not to pray in the streets or be seen to be righteous. I said, “Your ass doesn’t have to go to church. Follow the spirit of the law not the letter.” It’s like none of them have read the book.

GW: That’s what Jon Jay said. He told old J-Mad and A-Ham not to worry about them too much. It wasn’t that they made a mistake in the Constitution giving people the right to be unmitigated jackasses but that they haven’t read the Constitution in the first place. Then get this one. Tommy J comes up and says you think that’s bad I listed the right to life first and they’re down there telling everyone letting school children get shot up is a right of their’s. He’s apoplectic about that one and that was before the pandemic. Now he just walks around muttering, “The right to life. Unalienable. I listed it first. First. How can you pursue happiness if you ain’t alive. Life. It’s sacred. Why are they so dumb?”

JC: I know what it’s like to have atrocities committed in your name. I ever tell you about the Crusades?

GW: I don’t think that’s pertinent right now.

JC: Why not? They’re saying your document gives them the right to gather in large groups to worship me. That’s only going to lead to massive amounts of death. Does that sound like loving your neighbor? When that anti-me brings all them suckers up here I’m going to look them dead in the eye and says unto them, “I gave you one job. One. Love your goddamn neighbor, and you couldn’t even do that. No turn your asses around and march ’em straight into the fiery pit.” I’m fed up, George. All I’m saying is I know what it is to have your words twisted all around and people kill in your name.

GW: You’re right. You’ve been at this a lot longer than we have. The audacity of Patrick Henry though. He walked right up to Jon Jay and said, “I told you this is what you’re beloved federalism would do,” and Jay said to him, “What you wanted was chaos. It would have been even worse under your system,” and then Sam Adams chimed in and said, “Nah uh, our system won’t gonna have no executive branch. Without that you ain’t got no Trump and we were only going to have a unicameral legislature. We agreed the articles needed changing but you made a big unwieldy federal government and it dun fell on it’s face like we told you it would.” Jon Jay got so mad and said, “We wouldn’t even be in 2020 if it wasn’t for us. The problem isn’t the Constitution it’s that all them modern Americans are dumb asses.”

JC: I think we’re getting off topic here.

GW: I just want to illustrate that there aren’t any Founding Fathers the way the people down there talk about us. We spent as much time beating up on each other as we did the British. I mean Aaron Burr shot Hamilton for god sake and I don’t think even Jefferson liked Jefferson.

JC: At least they haven’t made you into the false idol you told them not to worship. You know I wanted to be remembered as a teacher, but no I have to be the savior of mankind forgiving them from their original sin. You know what the original sin was? Knowledge. You think a teacher wants people forgiven from knowledge? And did pops remove the curse of toil? Nope. If anything those Americans work harder than anyone.

GW: Oh man get this. When we talked about freedom we were talking about economic security, and guess what they did?

JC: What? No please don’t tell me. I don’t think I want to know.

GW: No, you got to hear it. They started a debt based economy. Everything is bought on credit and men are judged by their credit scores.

JC: They know what I did to the money lenders in the temple right? Right? Oh god. Oh my god. They really didn’t read the book. I’m done.

GW: Where you going J?

JC: To the stables. I’ve got some horses need tacking up.

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