Adventures in Twin Parenting

Due to our current pandemic crisis there is one adult per child allowed in doctor’s offices. This is good as there are only two of us and inviting other people along to doctor’s visits would be a tad awkward. It is also necessary as we have two children that like to explore and roam and see any blockade as a challenge to overcome. If you haven’t met our twin boys yet let me introduce you to Roland and Windsor. The two sweetest and most unassuming terrors you will ever come in contact with.

Fortunately or unfortunately for us they are problem solvers. Windsor has begun to climb into chairs in order to fall off backwards and bust his lip, and Roland is more than happy to try and imitate his brother’s misadventures. You can imagine the challenges this could pose for one parent watching them. One is off in one direction climbing onto a bookshelf while the other is off in the other direction eating a leaf the dog tracked in after his walk. With parent’s inability to stretch themselves like Mr. Fantastic, multiply like Multiple Man, or move with the speed of The Flash controlling and corralling two opinionated and occasionally obstinate one year old twins is a challenge beyond the ability of a single human.

This makes the doctor’s office that much more of a challenge. Not only is it the familiar play things of home. It is all new play things to explore, and for one year old inquisitive minds everything is a toy.

The beginning of the visit was not overly eventful as Roland was entertained by beating on the radiator and enjoying the sounds he could make while Windsor found the big ships in the harbor fascinating, but this only lasted for about five to ten minutes. Once the nurses had come in and were giving Roland his evaluation Windsor needed something to play with, and by play I mean hold for less than a second and throw across the room. There are a lot of similarities between child rearing and dog training but one difference is in child rearing it is the parent’s that play fetch.

After Roland was done with his evaluation it was Windsor’s turn and my turn to hold Roland. Roland’s idea of a fun game is to twist his body into all sorts of contortions so that he can get down to the floor and eat all the dust mites or whatever he finds down there. Yes, the phase of growing where everything is food and the first place anything goes is the mouth is a fun one for all parents but there are two of them and watching both perfectly at all times is impossible. The average person swallows four spiders a year in their sleep. The average twin swallows, on average, four spiders every fifteen minutes. Nether is true but it gives a good idea of how uncontrollable to crazy babies can be.

While Roland was playing twist and shout on daddy’s lap Windsor had decided the entire point of his evaluation was to hold onto the red cube the nurses wanted him to perform various tasks with and never give it back. Like most things he is given, including but not limited to straws, pens, combs, and phones, it was his new favorite toy and best friend and he was never going to let it go. It is hard to tell exactly how your children will act when they are older but I have the distinct feeling they will be that rare and unique vintage of child that fully understands the rules of the game but would rather play by their own.

Now that their minds had been evaluated it was time for the physical check up. That meant getting weights and measures and sitting on the exam paper that clearly had to be torn up and shoved in the mouth. After a short weight mostly spent tearing the aforementioned paper into little bits and shoving it in the mouth the doctor came in. Her exam of the boys was largely uneventful. They were given a clean bill of health, we were told we were doing a good job raising them, and that we had such calm laid back children.

After the doctor’s appointment we went out for lunch where Windsor stood up in his highchair and tried to crawl across the table while I was in the restroom and Roland played bubble smash on mommy’s phone when he wasn’t flinging it to the ground.

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