Accidentally On Purpose

I remembered my journal entry or free writing adventure last night just as sleep was about to overtake me. It was one of the last conscious thoughts I had as I slipped off to sleep. The problem was I never meant to go to bed that early. I had just left the room of my two 22 month old boys and went into my bedroom for some unknown reason. As I was standing there the bed beckoned me. So comfortable and inviting. I had to lay down. Suddenly I was plugging my phone into the charger, taking off my watch and glasses, and slipping out of my clothes. Then I was laying down and the coldness of the black diamond mattress enveloped me and before I knew it I was asleep.

This writing isn’t the only thing I felt like I left undone last night, but what is the importance of it. The video game I was going to play is saved at the same spot as it was before and the bookmark for the book I was going to read hasn’t moved either. Both those things are there for me now. They will be there when I am ready for them. There really isn’t the rush to life that we put into it.

I was thinking about this while driving yesterday. Thinking how close I am getting to retirement and then realized that my 65th birthday is 25 years away and how long of a time that really is. I am not as old as I believe I am.

There is a man in my father’s neighborhood. We bought a house from him once. He goes out and sweeps his driveway. Everyday he is there at the end of the driveway, sweeping and sweeping away the debris. This man has to be close to, if not over, 100. He was old when we bought the house from him in the 90’s and he hasn’t gotten any younger since. I am probably 30 years from the age he was when we first met him and 60 from the age he is now. There is still time enough for a lot of things in life and if going to be early one night helps me feel better for the next day then why not do it. The world will be there for me the next day.

It is this concept that I struggle with. It is doing everything I want before I die. I want to visit London, return to Rome, see Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon. I want to read as many books as I can and catch up on all the movies I’ve missed. There is both plenty of time left and not enough. I will never be able to visit all the places I long to go nor will I be able to read all the books I want. On the day I die there will be things left undone. This frightens me more than anything, and yet I still have miles to go before I sleep.

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