When you have two toddlers and an infant (very soon to be a toddler) something strange happens to your home. Both the diaper pails and dishwasher are always full, whenever you attempt to go to the bathroom you’re never allowed time to finish, and showers become almost a thing of the past. All of this combines to create quite the stench.
This house stinks and it is nobody’s fault. Three small children eating at a pace envied by Joey Chestnut can cause that to happen. They are pooping machines and I don’t know what we are feeding them but it reeks. It is some awful poop. Then there are the issues they cause with their constant interruptions when we’re trying to go. This causes a back-up and then an explosion and no tiny bathroom fan can get that out.
The final symptom of all this is farting into the couch cushions. They hold a stench as well as anything, and because we’re not able to finish while in the bathroom the farts are frequent. That is what no one tells you about parenting. There will be farts and your ass is going to stink as bad as your child’s. You might even need your own diapers. Especially when you are running for the toilet to finally let it out and a second behind you is a toddler looking to climb on the vanity and crash to the floor unless you catch them.
It is terrible. Every room. Every single one of them smells like a bathroom. At least it covers up the smell of the dog that we haven’t bathed in god knows how long. Every now and then I catch a whiff of him and then we should do something about that but what does it matter in the house of poop.
That’s another thing. When we do get the poop out of the house it goes in the same trashcan as the door poop and the cat litter. The number one export of this house is poop. Piles and piles of poop, and throwing it all in the same trashcan as our food waste has created a breeding ground for flies. Every trash day the trashcan is covered in maggots. When I open it a colony of flies buzzes out. It has to be the amount of poop in there.
I cannot wait until we are flushing all this down the drain and it is the city’s problem. My only hope then is that the bathroom ends up being the only room that smells like a bathroom because right now every room in this house smells like poop.
David Huzzard Writes 