It’s In The Night The Dark Dreams Come

Winter is my least favorite season. I don’t know where T. S. Eliot got off calling April the cruelest month when we have the dark days of January and February haunting the beginning of the year. There are times in the Winter where I get up in the dark, go to bed in the dark, and spend my day among a dreary mess of an overcast day.

It doesn’t help that the dark paler of seasonal depression overcomes me at nights and in the mornings. I go to be feeling sad and lonely and wake up in the morning feeling even worse after a night of dreams and thoughts. It is in those early morning hours when my worst thoughts creep in.

I hate the Winter. It isn’t the cold that gets you but the darkness. I can’t imagine living on one of those places with endless nights. I need the sun. I need brightness and warmth. The cold dark nights drive the shadows into my mind. I am overtaken at this time of year. I feel sluggish, useless, unseen, and unheard. As if I have become a shadow myself.

And it is all because the Earth has to rotate around the sun tilted on its axis. It would be nice to have a second home in the southern hemisphere. A place to escape to in the Winter. A way to escape into Summer, but who knows if that’s any better, because wherever I go there I am.

Is the dark mode really all caused by the dark night? Or has a darkness settled inside of me. One that makes it impossible to escape my own thoughts? I don’t know. I don’t tend to have my worst thoughts during the day. I had a good day today. A fun day with family, but the sunset, they all went to bed, and the loneliness crept in with the sunset.

After I finish this I am going to go upstairs and fall into my bed and sleep a restful sleep, but I do so isolated in a bed too big for two people. Whoever thought I’d regret having space to spread out, but here I am. I sleep better when I can feel my partner next to me. The bed is too big, the night too cold, and the season too dark.