We are often told that putting others first is a good thing, the best thing, but I am feeling it go wrong in my life, and maybe it isn’t living for others. I think I have that wrong. It is a way I rationalize that I require another person to make me happy, and it doesn’t even make logical sense.
I am about 97% certain that my wife loves me. I can’t be 100% and the extra 2% comes from weird comments she makes sometimes about how if certain things were a different way she’d like other men, but that may just be her. I don’t want to be too open in this journal because it isn’t just me we’re talking about.
I will just put it this way. I determine my self worth by if my wife shows me enough affection and slowly it is getting better, but the one thing I really want has alluded me. To put it plainly and embarrassingly I want to feel desired. I want to feel wanted. Instead I feel like a burden or an obligation.
It is such a little thing, but I went to sleep snuggled next to my wife, woke up at 2:00 next to my snoring daughter, and couldn’t get back to sleep. As much as I love my children I need them to stop hijacking our space.
Maybe there is some deep trauma in my mind about not being chosen, but it does feel like there is always something else more important out there, and a lot of it is more important. We both have lots of obligations and right now it feels like I am a lonely schoolboy chasing the unattainable girl, but she is my wife and what I can’t attain is hard to explain. It is a feeling I feel but can’t control or explain how another person could help me feel it other than I want to be wanted.
