As I try not to think about the drip, drip, drip of our bank accounts reaching towards zero I focus on other things. Before this lock down when life was a rush I grew irritated when the little time I had for myself was interrupted. My days before this were an hour here or there at home before running out again for more pet sitting. If I was lucky I’d only have to run out twice but I could be venturing out four times a day. During particularly busy times I’d only leave the house once but would be gone from 5:00 AM to 9:00 PM. To simplify all this I went from working 14 hours a day to 14 hours a week.
My life now is mostly spent at home with only one trip out a day to visit with pets that absolutely need me. Pets owned by people in the military, doctors, nurses, and the elderly that simply can’t take care of their own pets. This extra time at home helped me to realize a few things.
Life is not meant to be lived at an exacerbated pace. Thinking back to my feeling of trying to read just one chapter before heading back out to do more pet sitting and a baby crying to be fed or our dog needing a walk or the cat demanding something from me. It was frustration. I had just been out working and just wanted a moment of downtime at home, but it would take the entire hour I was home to read one chapter and I’d end up reading a single sentence or paragraph three or four times.
The problem with modern living is it was not compartmentalized. Everything was crammed together. There was no separation of work, home life, me time, and child rearing. It was all happening simultaneously within the same space. This past week I decided things needed to slow down. I had to stop trying to distract myself from everything. Instead of filling my working time with more reading time and trying to finish a book every other day I needed to let the babies dictate my life. I could continue and try to steal time for myself our I could take care of the babies when they needed it and let them give me the time I needed. It meant life had to be lived at a slower pace.
This has been a far more comfortable pace of life. It will end though. There is going to be a reckoning soon. We are waiting for the stimulus checks and the SBA loan but neither are coming fast enough to help. In another week or two I am going to have to figure out how to survive. I know Amazon and Walmart and all those places are hiring, but the few clients we’re still serving need me. I’d hate to close, even temporarily, to take a job I have no plans of keeping. The other problem is we don’t know when this will end or what the repercussions will be. When will travel be restored? When will be start going on vacation and needing pet sitting again? When will they go back to work and need dog walking? These are all questions with little are no answers, and I worry what the answers might be.
For now all I can do is let it be. Relax and live life from one moment to the next. Focus only on the step in front of me, and for now that is taking care of my children while trying to keep myself sane and entertained. Slow down and let life happen instead of trying to make it happen.