I have been more tired in the morning’s lately. Not wanting to get out of bed and having the feeling that I could stay there all day if allowed. Yet, every day I get up and eventually feel normal. Right now is the worst of those days. My head hurts and my body and brain both still feel asleep. I am not sick, but not feeling well either.
It is like a general malaise has fallen over me. I have no idea what is causing all of this. I am guessing that it might have something to do with this stack of bills next to me and my general feeling as a failure. That I knew we needed income and I couldn’t get it. That the costs of hospitalizations and in home care for my mother is rising and I can’t get anything moving in the right direction.
My default response to stress is movement. Action solves everything seems to be my general philosophy when I know deep down that sometimes the best response is to do nothing. Take a moment to understand the situation. This is how traps work and right now it feels like I am springing the same trap I fell into last fall.
At the end of the day everything will be better. We are moving in the correct direction. We are repositioning assets, but we are also costing ourselves assets at the same time. There is no way to move forward without leaving some form of disturbance in your wake. I am trying to do the right thing and constantly convinced that I am not.
The goal is, and has always been, to have income cover most things and every source of income has improved over the past year. Yet it still isn’t enough. I need to get that foundation set, but I am working against so many forces it feels impossible. I don’t know if I can ever get the income to the place it needs to be. Maybe I need to take a moment and reflect on where it started, where it is now, and where it could be by the end of the year.
That might give me some comfort, but I want everything to be correct now. This is why I like video games. You hit a button and get the solution. You never have to go through the struggles of making that solution possible.
David Huzzard Writes 